I don't even know how to write about this. I will have to keep a paper journal of all my Sedat memories and thoughts, to give to his kids, Okan and Onur, someday when they grow up.
Last Wednesday evening Sedat passed away suddenly in bed. It appears that it was an extreme allergic reaction to an antibiotic. From what we understand it is exceedingly rare that this would happen to someone, something like 1 in 20 million. Statistics, of course, are meaningless, when it happens to someone you love - no comfort there. I am still in denial, always expecting him to come in when we're all together, walk around the corner, call us. I keep seeing him everywhere I go: driving a car, walking into a store, coming out of the mosque. Every time I "see" him, it makes my heart stop. I remember after September 11 "seeing" Steve for months.
We've all been together since it happene, spending our time at Ozlem's mom & dad's house. Hundreds of people have come over to express their condoloences. Sedat is loved and respected by everyone who knows him. I have never heard anyone gossip o say a bad word about him. Ozlem is feeling the biggest weight of grief, and we are all trying our best to help her carry it. I would do anything to lift it off of her, and I am sure that Arzu, Gul, Reyhan, and all our friends would as well. We have found a some comfort in praying, it is something to focus on. Seda has been amazing how much she's helped me with the kids so that I can focus on Ozlem, and she has pitched in and helped a lot at Ozlem's mom's house as well. She is a gem. Ozlem's family and extended family is also strong and tightly-knit, such a blessing. Ozlem is strong and pulling herself together and keeping one foot going in front of the other. She rallies when her kids are around and gives them the same loving attention as before. She is already figuring out ways to cope - testimony to how resilient her spirit is. It won't take the pain and the loss away, but coping will enable her to live without him, somehow.
Sedat's siblings - Suat and Nazan - are pulling through somehow also, especially with the support of their souses (Hulya and Mustafa) and their friends. I marvel at all of them for being able to even breathe and think after this. God has some amazing plan for us all if people can endure this kind of loss and their spirits can triumph and keep going. Sedat's parents came from Turkey and of course they are just devastated. It just all breaks my heart - for every single member of his family, I am just heartbroken and deeply, profoundly sad.
The funeral was Sunday - a late burial because we waited for his parents to come. The day of the funeral I went with Ozlem to see him one last time before he was buried. It was only for a few seconds, but it was good for me. He looked peaceful, calm and so much like Sedat - that kind of Mona Lisa smile he has, his face relaxed, wrapped in a white burial shroud. It is a much better memory than the night in the hospital at the morgue with all of the hospital rescusitation equipment. At the burial the weather was almost warm, blue skies and sunny - good weather to remember Sedat by. Hundreds of his friends were there, praying, shoveling the earth back onto his grave, stacking stones around it. All of us were crying, everyone is just devastated. How can this wonderful man, beloved by all and with such a kind, peace-loving, nurturing spirit, be gone???
The kids are all dealing with this in different ways. Thursday night I got a lseep over with all of them (except Onur). We all slept piled up in my bed together, Baba was at the mosque holding vigil over Sedat. Friday and Staurday we got Deniz and Emir so Arzu could stay with Ozlem. My kids got so used to it that they ask me every day when is th enext sleepover. Big Okan, Deniz and Ilayda are pretty much the same age (a few months apart), and all of them have many questions. "Why did Sedat Amca die?" "When is he coming back?" are the most common, and they ask them over and over again. Just when they seem to understand that he isn't coming back, one of them will say something about next time they see Sedat Amca (uncle)... Big Okan is showing his grief, and Ozlem, in her amazing way, is counseling him through it. She's reading him books about it, talking to him and helping him with his feelings. Tell me, where does she get that strength and wisdom? She's amazing. Ilayda has started to have some deep sadness, and she says some profound things. The day after Sedat passed, she said to me, "Which Sedat, the Sedat I love or your doctor Sedat?" When she found out it's the one she loves, she said, "Big Okan's not going to have a Baba anymore. My Baba is going to have to help him a lot. I know Sedat Amca loves me, so I'm going to take good care of Big Okan, Sedat Amca would like that." She also refuses to sleep in her bed. She saidto me last night, "Sedat Amca went to bed and he died. I'm going to sleep with my Baba every night so he won't die." Sometimes she'll start crying and when you ask her why, she'll say "Because I'm afraid my Baba will die, like Big Okan's, and then I won't have a Baba too." Deniz has been having a lot of conversations at school and with her parents, and she is sad as well. They are all clearly working to get a grasp on this concept of death - something I can hardly understand at age 37 - how can we expect 4 year olds to get it?
The little guys, Onur, Emir and Little Okan also understand that there is something amiss and that there is sadness around them. Little Onur , for sure, feels the gap intensely, even though he might not be able to verbalize it. Little Okan talks about it a lot - repreating whatever he's heard us saying to the big kids. Sometimes I think he really gets it. Yetserday morning he was telling me about how he was kissing Onur Amca the night before: "I kiss my Onur Amca last night, I eat him all up. I not going to kiss my Sedat Amca anymore, he never coming back."
We took the kids to the funeral with us, and it was very sad. Ilayda and Deniz were glued to their Babas. I have been impressed by how loving the kids have been to Ozlem. They have given her a lot of love and affection, drawn her pictures and really been very affectionate. They know she is sad and they understand that kid-lovin' makes people feel better. Ilayda and Little Okan have both - totally independelty without me pushing - gone to Ozelm and said they love her and kissed and hugged her. Little Okan is quite observant about people crying: "You crying mommy? You crying because Sedat Amca died and you miss him? Ozlem Teyze crying because Sedat Amca died? Ozlem Teyze misses Sedat Amca so she cries?"
--sigh-- More later, my friends and family....
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